From Jamie Roberts
Dear Alex Turner From The Arctic Monkeys,
I am a really massive fan of your musical output, but that is not why I write to you today.
I am writing on behalf of a friend of mine, a Miss Eleanor Slade, who is an even bigger fan than I am. She loves your music so much that sometimes she is a little bit sick when she is listening to it.
Unfortunately she suffers from a rare disorder that means she finds it a struggle to walk, and thus she often misses out on seeing you guys perform live. She had tickets to see your show at Earls Court recently, but sadly had to cancel at the last minute because she couldn’t walk down the stairs to leave her house.
As Christmas is coming up – a particularly difficult season for walking due to ice and other hazards – I was wondering if you could please come to her house with your Arctic Monkey friends and perform a one-off special concert on her balcony to cheer her up? It’s not a very big balcony, but you could just about squeeze on.
I know you are busy people, so it doesn’t have to be a really long concert, just 30 minutes or something would be good.
If you consider this too much to ask, then you could send her a recorded Christmas message. Maybe even tickets to one of your shows. Or some official Arctic Monkeys merchandise. An erotic signed photo? And if none of that is feasible due to your hectic schedule, you could just send her some positive energy – this is cheap and easily shipped from overseas as it does not require Royal Mail or any other delivery company to courier it. It just floats from country to country on good vibrational waves.
Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear back soon. This will really make her Christmas one to remember! Unless you ignore this letter, in which case you will ruin it completely.
Yours extremely sincerely,
Jamie Roberts.
PS. She is also from Yorkshire.
